The block of granite which was an obstacle in the pathway of the weak, became a stepping-stone in the pathway of the strong.
Friday, I sat in my car eating my lunch. A thundering rainstorm had moistened the few grass areas at my work an hour earlier and after being shut up in a windowless room for the past four hours, I needed some air. I also needed to be alone. Even though this job has me in a room with one hundred others, the work is solitary except for my computer screen. No conversation - quiet ensues. If one minute past our breaks or lunchtime conversation fills the room, there is a reminder from the supervisor at the back of the room that it is now reading time. (Sort of like when you told your children it was "Quiet Time " -- and meant it.) In my own space, my car, I find forty-five minutes of sanity release. I write in my journal as I eat my peanut butter sandwich. Looking back at Friday's entry, it wasn't too pretty.
The "F" word dominated the short entry. Along with the word "miserable." But after I used my pen to put down those feelings, I hung my head out the open car window to gather some sunshine on my face. For now the sun had come out, erasing the dark clouds and rain I could only imagine as I heard the thunder and the pounding of much needed rain on the roof of the building.
I recall my words from when I began this journey, that it is a rediscovery of my talents, abilities, and whatever else I said. Three weeks into this job, I have to say progress has arrived. I now know I can get a job, that the one I have is not the one I want, and I do have something other than freelancer to put on my resume. I've learned that at 52 years of age, it is not easy to go out into this work world, but that I haven't been twiddling my thumbs nor sitting on my ass all these years. I have something to offer. Moreover, I need to honor this committment that I made to sign on for this temporary gig, make sure my eyesight survives, and try to put a smile on my face for my family's sake. Also, to utilize the time to make them understand all that is involved in creating, maintaining, and sustaining a household and family. And that means more than keeping the kitchen clean.
Saturday morning, after dropping my youngest son out in the middle of nowhere to join my husband on a campout, I escaped to the lake. Had intended to invite a few friends to come with me, but I never seemed to make those calls. I've had most of Saturday and this Sunday morning to myself. I like being by myself and I have utilized the time well in regard to getting rugs washed, floor cleaned, some writing and reading done. But more important, I had time for reflection. I'm determined to use this current job venture for what it is, a stepping stone to what comes next. Not sure how close the next step is or if it is even within easy reach. But if I slip, getting wet never killed anybody. Or so I hope.
My duck friends are sqwauking out on the dock. They know I'm here and are looking for dog food nuggets. Guess I'll go feed them.