Monday, October 11, 2010

Puzzle Pieces



Did you ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Winnie the Pooh

When you were a kid, lying under a tree or while cuddled under a warm blanket, did you envision yourself as a grownup? In my Midlife Jobhunter quest to discover what I'd like to be, I've returned often to what my thoughts may have been when I was ten. I mention 10 as somewhere I read - I think in Simple Abundance by Sarah Ban Breathnach - that we are the closest to our authentic self when we are 10 years old.

Ten. Oh, to summon back the youthful vision of ten.

When I completed Breathnach's year long study many years ago, I discovered a long forgotten photo of myself -- at 10. Sure luck as I don't have many photos of my youth. But, alas, from a book my oldest brother had gathered for me, I discovered a picture in front of a birthday cake -- a smile on my face and 10 candles ready to blow. I studied the face of that child, excited about life, unaware of what might lie ahead, and tried to recall her dreams, desires, and hopes.

I'm sure at the time I journeyed through Simple Abundance, I also journaled my recollections. But life, once again, segued me off in another direction.That journal is now buried in a box in the attic and I have no desire to dig around up there. I must begin anew.

Sitting on my porch this morning, accompanied by the morning glories that burst open today,

I recall I liked to explore, albeit with trepidation. I was neither the one with the most guts, nor the most fear. I would climb the trees and ride the neighbor's horse, but always with a tug of angst in my chest. I wasn't fond of getting hurt. But I never minded following a new trail in the forest. I had a good sense of direction and the ability to remember where I came from. I could always find my way back.

I know I wanted to see the world. In middle school, we had assemblies in the auditorium. We saw movies of far away places, different cultures, adventures. My family didn't venture far - a week at the lake in summer and a four day trip to Chicago in the fall. Sunday car rides offered a view of life surrounding our small corner of southern Minnesota - the cornfields flying by, interrupted by the cows walking home or a railroad track with a train due. As my older brother was drilled on his math facts or the parts of speech, I sat in silence, watching the heart and soul in the countryside glide by outside the window. I dreamed.

My mother always talked of visiting Paris so from an early age I knew another world existed. Her father left her a $1000 life insurance policy when he died. She planned to take that money and go to Paris someday. Then more kids were born and life took over and many years passed, the $1000 depleted. But in my head, a world beyond the gridded sections of Minnesota countryside existed. Paris, New York City, the Pacific Ocean.

What does this have to do with my authentic self and what I want to be when I grow up? Hell if I know. Trying to piece it together, I guess. And today, you are my listeners as I sort things out.


Sorting. Always seem to be sorting. Laundry, thoughts, me.


43 comments:

  1. What a pleasant and enjoyable hodgepodge of thoughts. :)

    I wonder if I'm still "sorting" or just going with thte flow.

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  2. I love everything about this post...maybe because I find myself in similar mindset. :) And that I still live in Minnesota. :)

    I have read some of Sarah B's simple abundance and loved it. I cannot remember which book it was but it really helped me get through a tough spot in my life. I think that is when I first read about the authentic self and I have been intrigued by it ever since.

    I have never heard this about the age of 10...fascinating really...It makes me think back to when I was 10...my last year of really being a child since I started getting messed up with alcohol and drugs at 11. Very sad but true. Now I realize more than ever how very young I was when I stepped into the adult world.

    I hope you don't ever stop dreaming and seeking out the things of your heart. Thank you for sharing your thoughts with us. XX

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  3. I'm not sure I was my authentic self at 10. . .

    I'm not even sure I'm my authentic self today. . .

    Perhaps when I'm 80???

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  4. Oh! How lucky we are to be listening here. I was completely caught up in this vision of the ten-year-old Julie and feel quite pleased to know more about you. This line, in particular, struck me: I sat in silence, watching the heart and soul in the countryside glide by outside the window. I dreamed.

    You tell a damn fine story, yourself. I look forward to the continuation.

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  5. It's good to think back and try to understand your life better. I love thinking about my childhood ...being an authentic person is always the goal....

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  6. Writing it all down often helps me to sort. I hope it does likewise for you. Beautifully done. Keep on dreaming.

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  7. That 10 year old still lives there inside of you. Only our bodies change not our hearts,so dream on little one. When we stop dreaming,we start dying.

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  8. Ah, the pleasure of small tasks, the meditative nature of chores!

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  9. I've read somehere, that women tend to sort themselves...every 20 years!

    Happy Sorting, Julie!

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  10. Oh Julie I still have Sarah Ban Breathnach's book, Simple Abundance and I think her book started me on my way to thinking, being and doing for myself instead of always for others or even having others doing for me. Life is good, sorting has been and still is fun....:-) Hugs

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  11. Sounds like a good book recommend. There was an article in our paper yesterday about a boy who turned 10 on 10/10/10. I remember a lot about ten when I think of it. My youngest boy just turned 10 twenty days ago.

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  12. Do I see the Wicked Witch of the East's leg and a ruby slipper peeking out from under a towel on the laundry table? :-)

    I can't even remember what I thought back when I was ten. I would have been in the fifth grade and I'm betting my biggest concern was whether Dennis Lard was going to ask me to go steady or not. (He did.)

    So more power to you for exploring this early side of you. You live authentically now, as far as I'm concerned. But I do understand how it can feel mystifying sometimes. I feel that often about myself.

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  13. Oh, Fragrant Liar. I just gathered up that laundry to bring upstairs. Noticed the Wicked Witch's leg. Wondered if anyone might see it. Perfect that you did.

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  14. Your words really resonate with me. I know 10 years old was probably my last gloriously free and happy year of childhood. Adult reality hit by the end of my 11th year, when the parents of my best friend finished a shocking divorce(this was in the early '60s) and my friend was taken halfway across the U.S. to live. We never saw each other again.

    I think I was my authentic self at 10, and haven't been since. I, too, have been sorting a lot lately. Thanks for letting me know that I have a fellow "sorter" out there.

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  15. I've been doing this a lot lately, sorting my thoughts about this and that, wondering if I've finally discovered what I'm going to be when I grow up (a working mother's personal assistant), and if this will lead me to discovering my 'authentic self'. Surely, at my age, I'm getting closer! Age 10 was one of the worst years of my life (child custody fiasco, kidnapped by my mother and step-father from school, etc.), so I'm not sure if my authentic self could have come out from hiding at that particular point!

    You've been thru a lot of changes in your life this last year, Julie, so it's no surprise that you have a lot of sorting to do.

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  16. Dreaming out the car window. Yes. Only one of many wonderful lines and images that make up your "sorting." Thank you for sharing the process...I'm trying to remember 10, so glad that you do. (I always recommend Harriet the Spy to girls entering "double digits". So, go read Harriet!)

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  17. Oh, Julie, I am so glad you saw the world with such optimism and that you dare to try to re-find that enthusiasm.

    Do you think you'll visit Paris to fulfill your mother's dream for her?

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  18. Yes keep dreaming! That is the spice of life. Creativity, imaginations and dreams!!!!!! All good things and should be encouraged!
    I am still sorting as well. But I am thoroughly enjoying the process!
    Hugs
    SueAnn

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  19. I guess we all lose a good part of ourselves and as we age we want to see if we can find that person once again. Good luck on your journey. (sorting)

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  20. Ten? Hmm. This is some great food for thought.

    Laundry's on my list today, too, so maybe I'll consider your post while chorin'.

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  21. Good luck with the job hunting. Wait, you're a Bama fan? Never mind :)

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  22. What a great place to start looking for answers again - in the heart of that young girl. Maybe some of the answers are in the picture at the bottom - clean and folded laundry, a single sock waiting for its partner, the wide green expanse of the pool table, light shining on it all, and a bit of magic lurking in the background. Lots of metaphorical possibility there.

    So glad you're back. Hope it's for a longer stretch this time. :-)

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  23. Great reflections and post! I remember being 10, very well! It was the year that I broke my foot, had my first kiss, and went to Los Angelos on a family vacation. I did not try to imagine what my life would be like, when I grew up, and then, like now, just lived in the moment.

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  24. I distinctly remember sitting on the edge of my bed when I was 14, working out how old I would be at the millenium and thinking, 'Oh, well, I'll be dead by then' in all seriousness.

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  25. I suppose, at a crossroads (kids grown and moving on) in life, you're looking for direction from a time when you also were looking around at possibilities. Unfinished dreams from age 10 still have time to come to fruition! Time to get to Paris?

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  26. I have 2 thoughts: One, I wish I had a pool table to use as a folding table. And two, I think it's so true that we are our most authentic selves when we are about 10. I often drift back to that time because I believe it holds some secrets. Keep journeying, keep sorting, even the laundry brings insight.

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  27. Maybe you can celebrate in four years when the last boy graduates...and go to Paris!

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  28. It really would be a gift to recall our dreams of our childhood. Before real life got in the way:)

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  29. I'm doing much the same thing lately. Not sure where it's going, but sorting seems to be the theme of the day.

    Brought back my Minnesota memories. I'm glad I lived there - even for just a short while. Cornfields and old barns are how I remember it. And the cold, of course.

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  30. YES!!!! What do we want to do with the rest of our lives...a good time to take stock...midlife!!! Thank you!!! You've prompted a lot of thinking in me!!! Hope you get in touch with your inner 10 and pursue those dreams!!!! ~Janine XO

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  31. I loved this post. Lovely, meandering and universal and so relatable.

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  32. You're such an existentialist...loved following along.
    At 10, I spent most of my time on my back--on the grass, at the lake, in my father's hammock on the front porch--waiting to grow up so I could leave home and see what was out there.

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  33. Thanks for sharing the personal thoughts. I have been thinking back to childhood more lately--certainly means I am missing something.

    I hope your days of monster piles of laundry are nearing the end as your crew moves into the next phases of life.

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  34. Just the other night I was thinking about how our bodies cycle over every seven years (my doctor told me this).

    Your post reminds me that we are constantly changing. I think, however; that I've found my authentic self... I just hope that when my body cycles over this next time a wave of energy will come with it.

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  35. What a beautiful, thoughtful post. Here's the sentence that leapt out at me: "I could always find my way back." It seems that's what you are doing here...
    Happy Sorting!

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  36. What a beautifully written piece - you should submit this to..I don't know, a woman's magazine or something. It's that good.

    Ten is probably the best number GENERALLY, but I hate to think that year defined me. It was terrible - I won't go into all the details. On the other hand, seems like life lately has been a lot like that year...

    I'm gonna start thinking 12!

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  37. I read Simple Abundance when it first came out and at an important turning point in my life. I have never forgotten the powerful messages in that book. It's a good one to ponder as we navigate life's crossroads. You and I seem to be on similar paths with regards to that. Maybe it's time to reread Simple Abundance...

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  38. We definitely seem to be on the same page these days. My wheels are spinning. Something is about to emerge. Scary stuff. And exciting. Can't wait to see what you find when you have it all sorted. Am I talking in circles? Par for the course of late, I'm afraid. And yet......I think you know exactly from where I speak.

    Hugs,
    SMB

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  39. you were an intuitive observer,
    and perhaps that is what you should remain...
    your posts always have a balance of self and universal.
    as you sort... write.


    says to you and self :)

    when i was ten I wanted to be a dancer for Tom Jones and a writer. my father was mentally unstable, comitted suicide and life went into a tailspin .
    and now... I'm sorting.

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  40. As a girl, all I ever wanted to be was a mom. June Cleaver (rest in peace) was my hero. I thought her so beautiful and happy. I wanted to be just like that.

    While it was a little more bumpy than the Cleaver life, it was wonderful. Now, I'm waiting to be promoted to Grandma. No pressure, though...whenever you're ready kids. Are you ready now?

    How 'bout now?

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  41. My mom has always talked about travel as well. I am hoping to convince my sisters to contribute to a plane ticket and get my mom to Europe with my son and I next summer...she deserves it, she's always wanted it, and life is short.

    I feel like some days I'm sorting and then resorting and then sometimes, I resort again. I need to just get on with it already!

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  42. I read two books in the last couple of years that really gave me a different outlook...The Power of Now and A New Earth...both by Echert Toile (sp?).. a little new age but very interesting...how so much we do is because of ego...which was almost a new term to me in the way he used it...but after reading these everything seemed so simple to me...take care..

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