Monday, January 25, 2010

Modesty Lost - Cleavage Gained

The quickest way to know a woman is to go shopping with her.
Marcelene Cox



Last weekend, I ended up in a large dressing room of a major department store with four of my bunco bitch friends. The search for a mother of the groom dress had begun. I've been told for months that I cannot take on this endeavor by myself. That I'm not qualified. Okay, so fashion sense isn't my forte. Doesn't hurt my feelings. I can take it. Besides, I've never enjoyed shopping unless it involved books, plants, or food. I'm aware that the idea of going through racks and changing clothes again and again exhausts me.

But my friends don't share that groove. They have another and I ended up stuck in it.


There I be. Dresses lined up before me. Linda checking the quality of the material. All of them chastising me because I hadn't worn the proper undergarment accouterments for fitting purposes. (I didn't mention I thought I had.) Even the saleswoman suggested to me that next time I wear different underwear. My friends proudly told her they had already kicked my butt on that topic.

"Try this one. That doesn't work. Nope, take it off. Suck it in. Bigger size, please." I felt like a VERY LARGE dress up doll.


They were having entirely too much fun. And then, those friends of mine all agreed with the saleswoman that the lingerie lady needed to join the party. That I needed a decent bra. That the underwear can make the clothes.

Mind you, I could live very happily in the jungle--naked. No restrictions on this body of mine. Granted that would have been a much prettier site back in my youth, but,


so it goes. When in comfort mode, which for me is 80% of the time, I ain't got no bra on. For most of my life this didn't matter because I didn't have anything to put in one. When in college, my roommates put a tube top on me and kept telling me to turn around - laughing their sorry asses off.

At mammogram time (if you've had the opportunity to experience this phenonmenon) I always chuckled to myself when the technician told me to set my boob on the tray. Uh, you mean my nipple? Oh, those were the good old days.

Track ahead to the weekend, where I bared my body and allowed myself to be strapped into several contraptions designed to lift me up and smooth me out. Along with the apple shape I've attained the past few years, a substantial amount to load in those bra cups has sprung also.

"Move 'em around," my peanut gallery shouted. Again, my ignorance set in. How was I to know there was a set system for this procedure? No, can't just clip it in front, swirl around until centered, and pull up the straps. You have to attach, swirl, lean over and give those babies a good shake. Pick them up with your hands and move them around in there. Set those girls in place. Who thinks up these things?

Apparently everyone except me. One more maneuver to add to my daily repertoire. Bend over, shake and rattle before rolling. Make sure my girls are comfortable in there and presto, chango? Instant cleavage. Amazing. Will learning never cease?

Of course we had to eat and drink after that excursion. I was a tad spent.

As to what the dress looks like? You'll just have to wait for the wedding.

41 comments:

  1. HA! I'd be with you. Who knew? Not me, that's fer darned sure. You'll look great. Show and tell.
    xo
    erin

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  2. Love the post, I felt like I was with all of you.

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  3. Lift and Separate Bra? Not cheap.

    Spiffy new mom-o-the-groom dress? Also not cheap.

    Bare naked in front of your friends? Priceless.

    Sounds like a good time was had by all. Can't wait to see you all cleaned up. :)

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  4. Yes, show and tell. I too get tired easily when I have to shop. I wish I had your lovely friends.

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  5. Makes going out with the girls take on a whole new meaning.
    When's the wedding? And did your son's fiance tell you the important stuff like what color to wear or not wear and what length.
    And, what month is the wedding?
    Also, you found the dress in one day???

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  6. Sounds horrible to me until you got to the wine and lunch that is. I'm no shopper for clothes either. And it sounds like our shapes are quite similiar so I feel your pain all around! Looking forward to seeing the dress.

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  7. I can't wait to see the dress. It sounds like quite the shopping trip. I think I would have turned and left. I'm impressed you stuck it out.

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  8. Ugh. I'm a jeans and t-shirt/knit top person. Barefoot, too. Even tho I wear skirts to church, I am NOT a dressy-dress type of person. When I had to buy a Mother of the Groom dress I went to Penneys, tried one on that caught my eye, and bought it. I was in and out of there in about 20minutes. That's the way I've always shopped.

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  9. Great Post, Jewel!!!! Funneeeeee! I really got such a kick out of this description of your shopping experience. Made me think of all the times when you were little when I took you to shop for clothes --all those darling Kate Greenaway dresses. Every saleswoman in the store, plus me, loved you in them but you hated them all. My impatience runneth over. And I can see your dad now when we came home empty-handed, holding up the newspaper so we couldn't see his snicker.

    Love ya, anyhow, honey.

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  10. Sounds like a great day. Good underwear does make a hell of a difference though.
    Funny post x

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  11. You are so funny! I love your friends. I'm with you on the no bra thing. Although at this time in life it's necessary to wear one to keep the girls from banging on my knees.

    Looking forward to seeing the dress and you in proper support. :-)

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  12. Congrats on the news. I am sure this will create lots of fun material for future blog posts.

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  13. Sounds like me when I was shopping for a mother-of-the-bride dress! I ended up ordering one on the internet and then having it altered, at the last minute. You were lucky to have your friends with you. I can't wait to see the dress!

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  14. Hahahaha! I can relate! Many thanks for several laugh-out-louds!

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  15. Julie, laughed openly at the visual of all this. Just too funny. Glad you had fun and I will look forward to seeing the dress in person in April.

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  16. I can't believe we have to wait! At least show us your boobs before then.

    I actually enjoy the part of the day when I shake my ta-tas into their holder. It has the comfort of ritual.

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  17. That shopping trip was an experience. I'm still trying to figure out if it were enjoyable for you or something you'd rather forget...either way it was very entertaining, Julie. Can hardly wait to see what "they" decided on!
    Smiles,
    Wanda

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  18. My mother nagged me incessantly about wearing a bra when I was young, assuring me that even small breasts would sag and I would regret not keeping them supported as much as possible. I still feel the need to wear a well-fitted bra and do push ups every single day!

    Can't wait to see the dress!

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  19. I love shopping with my girlfriend peeps. Glad you celebrated with some eating and drinking.

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  20. NOTHING like good friends to give advice on the girls :)!

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  21. PS I am woman who detests shopping for clothes (except for my Jane).

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  22. I prefer the no bra feel myself but lately I have noticed the sag is not very becoming. I bought the bra ...wear it faithfully, and you DO look better. Unfortunately the comfort just isn't the same. I hate shopping too.... but I love lunch with the girls!

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  23. I have not been shopping with friends for so long. It was nice to come along with you on this excursion! I even enjoyed the eating out!!

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  24. I hope that the bride is having an easier time!

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  25. HAHAHAHAHA!

    I knew we had a lot in common but here are 2 more things:

    1.) I had that same crate in college for books and albums and ...

    2.) We both put our bra on the same way; hook in front and turn it around! I thought I was the only one! We should start a club, The Front Hookers.

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  26. It's fun to hang out with you and your friends (even if it's on cyberspace), and I cannot wait for the wedding pics. Bra and all!

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  27. Sounds like a really fun day. You made me laugh... thanks for that.

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  28. Hilarious! Oh I do know that feeling when searching for "THE DRESS" one where all eyes are on you while walking down the isle before the bride does...no pressure on you.Best of luck..stick to what makes YOU feel good..and start decreasing the carbs so everything fits in the right places. A chesty mother who went through this twice!
    (such a shame that you never wear those dresses again)

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  29. Thanks for the laugh! I'm sure you'll look absolutely gorgeous in your special new dress.

    It sounds like you have some priceless friends. And, when it comes down to it, there is little that a bite to eat and something good to drink can't cure, is there?

    Hugs,
    Angela

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  30. Oh, what a tease! I'm dying to see it!

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  31. Should be so much fun to do it with your friends, but it looks like you enjoyed the eating part. I am curious about your choice :))

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  32. Oh Julie I am still chuckling as I write this comment, your shopping trip sounded too real..... looking forward to the wedding pictures and the final product....
    Julie I am reading a book (arrived this morining) and I think I heard about it from your site, it is written by S. Kay Murphy and is called Tainted Legacy. I have almost finished it and would like to remember who put me on to it. e-mail me sweetie if it were you okay.
    I am having a good day as blogger finally let me in after 3 days of trying. Not your fault Julie, I'm sure its my new virus program. Have a great weekend.....:-) Hugs

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  33. Oh! what fun! .... made me smile, but made me miss doing things with my friends, who are too far away *wah*

    Love this post :-)

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  34. Better Living through chemistryJanuary 30, 2010 at 5:39 PM

    I would have loved to have been there! Sounds like a real hoot! I can't wait to see the dress.

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  35. Oh, my word! What a riot!
    At least all you needed was a bra and a lesson in how to apply it...I suspect that were I to shop for a fancy dress these days, I would need full-body under-armor!
    I'm looking forward to seeing the dress that you [all] chose.

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  37. LOL! Ahhh, this was just what I needed to read tonight!

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  38. Realized that you had slipped down the list and I had missed this post -
    which gave my useless day a much better ending that I expected. And hope for some cleavage of my own...

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  39. This was a hell of a lot more entertaining than What Not To Wear - and I like that show!

    Totally not fair that you didn't share the dress photo. How long do I have to wait for the wedding?

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  41. After reading your current post, I had to come here to see how it all started! I'm "not" looking forward to shopping for wedding attire. Having "your girls" with you to help is an idea to I'll use. Thanks!

    My mom wouldn't let me wear the halter that you had on. And if I had a tube top on, I had to have a shirt on top of it that could be left open and tied at the bottom. lol As a member of the barely B club, I guess I was saved from the hysterical laughter.

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